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Return to Grief LibraryMy Son Was Killed in a Car Accident
Continued
You know, at that moment, I thought that I was going to die from the feeling of utter helplessness and heartache I was feeling. I was uncontrollable and inconsolable. I fell down on my knees and prayed loud to our Lord that He must please save my child and not let him die, I will take him anyway he is. I had such a lot of faith that God would answer my prayer. I had hundreds if not thousands of people praying for his recovery, throughout SA. I was allowed to go and sit next to his bedside. All the monitors etc., were of no importance to me, I just wanted him to live.
The ICU staff were incredible, they told me exactly what to expect etc. I kept on talking, kissing, and hugging my child. Every time I did that, his heartbeat shot up on the monitor. Slowly, everything began to give in. At 1:00 a.m., I said to my baby that he can go to Jesus if he wants, maybe he is tired of fighting, I don't know. He died at 1:50 a.m.
I miss him so much I want to know from anybody if they think that he heard me with the brain damage that he had? I also want to know if it is possible that he will appear to me? I want to ask him if he was scared and did he call for me at all? I know you must have thousands of requests, but please help me. It feels like I am going insane some days. I miss him so very much, and I will always love him.
Lost Parent
Dear Lost,
You have my deepest sympathy in the death of your son, and as you probably already know, the death of one's child is one of the most difficult death losses we can ever experience. The fact that he was not quite 16 years old and that his death came totally unexpectedly because of an automobile accident may make your grieving experience even more challenging. We are never ready for the death of a child, but the fact that it came so unexpectedly makes it even more difficult to believe that it has actually happened.
Thank you for sharing all you did with the details about his accident, your "emotional roller coaster ride" of initially believing it was not a serious injury and then finding out it was very serious, and the time you spent with him at the hospital. As difficult as it may have been for you to "relive" those difficult times as you wrote about them, it is important that you do so because each time you tell your story you help confirm in your mind and heart that this terrible loss has occurred.
As difficult as it was for you prior to your son's death, I am glad you were able to see him at the trauma unit and then spend time with him in the ICU. You must have been a very special mother during his life because you were continuing to do those "mothering" things, even as he hovered between life and death. Only a Mom would think about pajamas and want to be sure they were available for her child.
It is encouraging to know that the ICU staff was supportive of you, provided you with necessary information, and most of all, allowed/encouraged you to talk to, hug, and kiss your son. Just a few years ago, such important interaction with one's child may not have been allowed. I'm glad you had that time.
You asked if your son heard you and knew that you were present with him. Whereas it is impossible at this point to know that for sure, I think the monitor's indication of his increased heartbeat when you talked to, hugged, and kissed him is a good indicator that he knew you were there. Medical people say that one's hearing is often the sense that remains to the very end and hopefully you can take comfort in that. And even though he may not have been able to hear you,I think there is evidence that your physical presence made him feel very safe and secure.
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